How to be the Best Mother of the Bride, Ever!
By Maureen Thomson
No one is more qualified than I to write this article. I've been officiating wedding ceremonies since 2002 and I've met MOBs of every type.
Because I’ve performed so many weddings, many people have asked me whether Bridezillas are everywhere or whether they are just another interesting urban legend. The reality is that (mercifully) Bridezillas are fairly rare. However, I've dealt with more than my fair share of domineering, pushy, controlling mothers. Hence my self-appointed expertise in this area! Lest you are tempted to question my credibility in this area, I’ve been the designated MOB—twice. Additionally if you are an MOB and reading this, thinking how hard it is to walk the fine line between being helpful and being pushy as your starry-eyed engaged daughter goes through the wedding planning process, then visualize how more difficult the task if you are concurrently MOB AND a wedding professional yourself. White lace and promises, not so much!
Welcome to my world! Mom, I feel your pain. I've walked a mile in your wedding pearls, pumps and pantyhose. Don't worry; we'll muddle through this together.
1. First off, you have to know your daughter This may seem self-evident, but sometimes when emotions are running high as well as the anticipation of spending gobs and gobs of cash for this one-day extravaganza, common sense can easily be thrown to the wind. With pressure coming at you from all sides, keeping a cool and level head is going to be a full-time job.
My two daughters are as different as the sun and moon. Bethany, the eldest, wed in 2004 was a child of 22 on her wedding day and only recently graduated from college. Alyssa, married in 2009 at the ripe old age of 24 had a couple years after college to get her bearings in the adult world. Bethany had some firm ideas about a few of the things that she wanted, but was perfectly flexible on anything that seemed of secondary importance to her. She also did not get too exercised about the minor details, being more than willing to let me contract and direct some of the vendors like the DJ and photographer.
Alyssa, a tad bit more of a perfectionist than her older sister, had to oversee and approve every detail, no matter how small. I was however given the task of buying hurricane globes for the Unity Candle as the clock was ticking down on the planning process and yes I did inspect each and every one with a microscope to ensure that quality control would be up to Alyssa’s standards. Bear in mind that this is the child who, upon telling me of Joel's proposal, exclaimed, "Mommy, I want to wear a veil AND a tiara!" (and she did). This was opposed to her sister who wanted nothing to do with the fuss of a veil on her wedding day.
Bethany's wedding was in-town, at the Lumber Baron Inn--an urban Bed and Breakfast, on the Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend in May. Alyssa opted for Mount Princeton Hot Springs Resort, a full half day drive into the Rockies for those flying into Denver International. (This brings up another significant point. If you are lucky enough to be blessed with two or more daughters, encourage them to have weddings that are different in feel from their sister's. There's nothing more annoying than sister-sibling domestic rivalry. Making the experience totally unique helps eliminate comparisons.)
And in the knowing of your daughter, do not expect that her personality will magically morph overnight under the dewy-eyed anticipation of being a bride. (Nice try, though!) Your jeans and sneakers-wearing tomboy who delights in mauling her bothers at touch football, is not going to swoon over yards and yards of meringue tulle, no matter how much you want her to. And your fussy perfectionist offspring is not likely to relinquish control--or lower her standards--no matter how much you insist that it doesn't matter if the red in the table linens isn't an exact match with the bridesmaids' dresses or that no one will notice if the cream filling in the cake is chocolate as opposed to mocha.
2. Budgets are a wonderful thing! They help set expectations and eliminate ambiguities which can lead to unpleasant misunderstandings. Sit down with your daughter and her fiancé and run through all possible line items. Determine what you will pay for, and/or how much you'll pay.
Unless you're really nervous about how your daughter will allocate expenses, the easiest thing is to simply tell her how much you'll be able to contribute, then let the bride and groom determine how the funds will be allocated. Alternatively, if she has always been a tad disorganized about money, you can simply give her a list of the specific expenses you will fund. Either way, be clear. It's not fair to set your daughter adrift in a jungle of wedding vendors without knowing how much money she has to work with.
And bear in mind that just because you are financing all or part of this venture, does not give you carte blanche to make all the decisions. In fact, you'd be surprised at how little bargaining power holding the purse strings will give you. Wedding vendors will no doubt view the bride and groom as adults (gasp!) and will contract with them directly. You may be writing out the funds, but the bride and groom will be viewed as the customers. I know, I know...19 hours of labor and a C-section and this is what you get!
3. Understand whose wedding this is, hers not yours. No doubt this will be a difficult pill to swallow, particularly for those moms who have spent plenty of time dreaming about weddings. (Really? Geeze--get a life!) After all, you gave this child life and have the stretch marks and gray hair (from the teen years) to prove it! The little princess owes you this much! But alas, it doesn't work this way. You had your day. This is hers.
If she wants to be married in jeans and sneakers before bungee jumping off the side of a cliff with her new hubby, then so be it. Just let her think the tears you're sobbing into your lace hanky (the one that belonged to your grandmother that you imagined your daughter would be carrying with her bouquet as she walked down the aisle wearing a frilly white dress in front of 300 of your dearest friends and family members) are tears of joy.
4. A lot has changed since your wedding day. Time to shoot on down to the Barnes and Noble and buy a couple of wedding magazines to review the current state of wedding etiquette and customs. Good manners are always in style, but the styles may have changed over the years. (Set yourself up as a Guru on this topic and you will be an indispensable resource for your daughter—or you’ll just be perceived as being amazingly with-it. Either way, everyone wins.
RSVPs are sent online. Invitations are no longer engraved, but can be produced on any computer. Weddings are now "green" (and I don't mean the color of the bridesmaids' dresses or how much you're spending--I mean environmentally conscious). Feeding the guests is no longer “One from column A and one from column b”. Think pot luck, brunch on the patio, cocktails only, a grand BBQ or an multi-ethnic buffet. Your daughter may be escorted down the aisle by any combination of folks; her dad or step-father, or even her mother. Friends don’t care where they are seated, a good view of the ceremony and ability to hear being the new priorities. Bridal dresses are no longer all-white. Brides "maids" are sometimes men and there may be a "best woman" standing next to your future son-in-law at the altar (if there even is an altar). It's all good! Just breathe.
5. Be there when she wants you to be; don't be offended when she doesn't. While your daughter may have appreciated your input as she tried on 311 different wedding dresses, she might be a little hesitant about having you attend her bachelorette party, especially if the plans include something a little bawdy and alcoholic. You're in your 50's for crying out loud; get over it!
6. Learn to zip your lip. Giving advice is all very fine if it’s received well, but don’t push. If she does not want to hear it, then sit down. See Rule #2 above, responsibility without authority. Offer the insight of your experience, but go easy. You might calmly note that a Colorado mountain top wedding in mid July could be interrupted by an afternoon lightning storm and torrential rain. “Dear Daughter, have you thought of a backup plan?” If she insists, then all you can do is remember to rent 100 umbrellas (on the sly-of course) and pray for clear weather. And if it's a situation over which you have no control, then recite your Serenity Prayer and move on. If you daughter thinks the eight inch tattoo on her shoulder is beautiful and wants to show it off with a strapless wedding dress, then voicing your opinion will do nothing but generate resistance.
On the other hand, you can use your verbal assertiveness for good rather than evil if some hard-nosed vendor haranguing is in order. For example, the seamstress who altered Alyssa's dress cinched it in far too much, causing my size 4 daughter to become severely anoxic while trying on the gown in the dressing room for five minutes. Alyssa's solution? Maybe she could drop a few pounds before the wedding (from where, I don't know). My solution? Locate the dressmaker on her day off and have her modify the dress so my daughter could breathe enough to recite her vows. See? I was needed, after all!
7. As a possible major bone of contention between couples and their parents, I would be remiss if I did not mention the issue of differing religious views. Even though you've brought your daughter up to be a good practicing Methodist (Catholic, Jew, Lutheran...fill in the blank), she might not espouse your religious beliefs for her wedding day. Any number of reasons could be in play: a difference in belief between her and the groom, the inability to smoothly blend two religious traditions into a single ceremony, gross intransigence on the part of some family member, who knows? Whatever the reason, see Numbers 3 and 6, above and try not to worry that your daughter is headed for eternal damnation because she is not wed in your place of worship. And while I'm on the subject, don't even think about pulling the "If you're not married in the church, I won't in good conscience be able to attend." Arm twisting your daughter about this issue will force her to make the painful choice between the man she is going to marry and you. You will regret having forced her to do so for the rest of your earthly days; if you are lucky, she may merely vote you off the island and you will not be there on her wedding day. Worst case scenario, she may never speak to you (or your co-conspirators) again. No joke, it happens.
8. Decide on one thing that is really important to you and ask nicely. When my daughter Bethany was married, I had my heart set on a bagpiper leading her down the aisle. She was non-committal, but this was the one thing that I really wanted. I made a bunch of other concessions to get that one thing. And it was glorious! For Alyssa, it was important to me that I be the one to perform the ceremony. (I hadn't insisted on this for her sister's wedding and even though I wrote the ceremony, the delivery by their chosen non-professional wedding officiant left much to be desired.) This took a bit of artful negotiation. (Alyssa wanting me to "relax and just be the MOB", but really I think she was afraid I'd tell embarrassing stories at the ceremony. I didn't.) Eventually she conceded on that point and it, too, was glorious!
9. On the day of, expect your role to be that of Major Domo, doling out sage advice here, calming nerves there and keeping everyone on track. You thought your mothering days were over? Ha! All questions and problems will be magically funneled to your in-box. According to some universal unwritten rule, you’ve been anointed as combination Queen Solomon and Head Labor Boss. No one would dare disturb the bride, on this day of all days! Who is the logical second best choice to express the bride's wishes? Why, Mom, of course.
- Where do you want the Unity Candle table placed?
- Someone has to meet the florist in the dining room to review the delivery and pay her final balance.
- Do these bows on the chair covers look right?
- The bride's father (FOB) has gone AWOL--can you find him? (No matter that you've been divorced for 15 years and try to avoid the man at all costs--just use your Mom-radar and track him down.)
- The string quartet for the ceremony is calling on your cell phone. They are lost. Can you give them directions?
- How do these darn boutonnières get pinned on?
- The bride forgot her contact lens solution and is dry-eyed and puffy. This won't do. Can you find someone to run to the store to get some eye drops?
- The ring bearer is chasing the flower girl and now she is crying and he has grass stains on the knees of his miniature tux. Can you find them a quiet activity to keep them occupied for 30 minutes?
- And oh, by the way, the ice sculpture was delivered too soon and it's now dripping water droplets onto the dance floor--could you see about that, Mom?
- Does anybody have a tissue? (This will be said with an expectant look at the MOB; mothers are ALWAYS supposed to have tissues!)
It goes on and on…You’ll have to ‘make do’, Marine. This is your karmic destiny, at least for this one day, so step up and take the wheel. It's what you signed on for the minute the doctor proclaimed, "It's a girl!"
Just so you’re clear, Dear, because everyone else will be making demands on your time, you won’t have much of it to claim for your own personal preparations. You'll be so busy helping your daughter to get down the aisle in style that you may look down at yourself 15 minutes before ceremony start time and realize you are still in your jeans and slippers!
10. Anticipate that your daughter might change her mind about at least one thing--probably more--on the day of the wedding . Be flexible about this eventuality, improvise where necessary and make it quick. Do not lecture, gloat, or give long-suffering looks.
11. Do not cast aspersions upon relatives or future in-laws at any point in the planning process. I’ll timed comments are like toothpaste; once the stuff is out of the tube, it’s damned hard to put back in. Big surprise, not everyone is going to be helpful, courteous and kind, the Girl Scout Manual notwithstanding. Your daughter will get stressed because her future mother-in-law won't help plan the rehearsal dinner or the groom’s step dad will use the occasion to go on a non-stop bender. Your darling daughter will be at turns angry, frustrated or frazzled; she will utter unprintable epithets about her future in-laws. She will vent to you over and over. Do not mistake this for a mother-daughter bonding moment and jump on the "trash the in-laws" bandwagon. Your daughter will forget all of the stress the minute she is wed. You, however, will be remembered as the one who bashed her relatives. Smile, offer sympathy, empathize. Brainstorm solutions, hand your daughter a pint of Ben & Jerry's with a soup spoon and a can of whipped cream, but badmouth no one.
12. The single best piece of advice you can offer? As trite as it sounds, remind your daughter that the wedding is only for a day whereas her marriage will (hopefully) last for a lifetime. It had better, because after this wedding, you're done!
Maureen Thomson is a wedding officiant and owner of Lyssabeth's Elopements, providing intimate elopement and destination weddings in California, Colorado and Oregon.
Catholic Churches: behind the veil Part 1
